Perth, Freo and *The Incident*

Blog - Perth and Freemantle

Dear Mammy,

How are you? I am fine. I thought to myself I’d better write and update you on what I’ve been getting up to.  If the truth be told I’m still a little bit shook up after “The Incident” this morning, but I’m determined not to let it ruin my trip. More on that subject once I’ve composed myself; even thinking about it makes me howl like a banshee on fire.

All in all, Perth is absolutely gorgeous. I didn’t quite understand what the guidebook meant when they described Perth as ‘liveable’. I think I get it now. It’s a modern city with everything your little heart could want (even if you made something up just for the hell of it and demanded that, they’d probably have that too), but the city also has a lovely laid back vibe. It makes me wonder if they really do have it sussed - work to live, NOT live to work. I think the fact that the city itself is so pretty just adds to the overall atmosphere.

I’ve done a lot of the usual touristy stuff. Sorry? OF COURSE I did the Big Jolly Tourist Bus. Really, what a  ridiculous question… I’ll let you away with it but only because you’re my mammy, and I’ve not forgotten that wooden spoon Iloveyoumammy… where was I? Oh yes, the bus. As usual the ticket lasted for 2 days so I was able to get my money’s worth (I know, you’re very proud). The first day, I went up to Kings Park. WOW. The scenery is divine and the views are incredible. They even have some examples of boab trees - I’ve never before seen a tree that could just as easily hopped out of Tim Burton’s imagination. I *want* one. Not sure what I’d do with it mind you, but that hardly matters now, does it??

I went to Perth Zoo too. I think I’d like to work in the zoo, it looks like such a fab place to work. But I digress… I’m not sure if it was quite as good as Melbourne Zoo (maybe because they didn’t have a nice Andy who let me in for a concession fare). But over all, dammit Australians know how to do zoos. There are all these little trails, like jungle trails, that you follow and all the enclosures are really nice. It makes me feel sad for that poor polar bear in Dublin Zoo. If only he knew what his cousins have, he’s be really rather put out.

While I was at the zoo, I was lucky enough to catch 2 talks, one at the sun bear enclosure where I got to see them getting fed!! And the other was at the crocodile enclosure. Man alive, he was the biggest fattest beast of a crocodile I’ve ever seen with my own eyes. I was secretly more than pleased that there was a great big bloody barrier between me and him or I think we would have had a repeat of the “Bear Incident” from Melbourne Zoo.

I’ve also had some good times in the hostel bar, where I got to know a couple from Tipp (yes, of course they mentioned the hurling, and yes of course they got a box) and the guy who runs the place. Now you’re not to get cross (well, come on, I AM 30 after all…) but yes, I did indulge in a couple of beers. But you’ll be very glad to hear that great fun and merriment was had by all. And that’s all I’m going to say on that subject.

Today I took a boat trip to Freemantle and back. The weather was absolutely glorious in a “no clouds as far as the eye can see” kind of way. I got very excited initially, because I thought I’d lost weight. I got some land when I realised that my legs only looked thinner because they’d retreated from the sunlight in shock. I was back to my usual uh, rubenesque self in no time. That said, I’m not going to complain because in fairness as soon as I got to Freemantle I proceeded to eat my way around the entire market (what?? There are no calories if nobody sees you eat it…). Oh nom, there was a feast of spinach and ricotta rolls, an onion bajji, a curry puff thing that was loovely, 2 pancakes and then I passed out. But I think there might have been an ice-cream incident but I was in a carb coma so I wont be held responsible.

After the market I decided to waddle up to Freemantle prison. Our guide was an English gentleman called John. Someone asked why we didn’t have a guide with an Australian accent (they were English) and fair play, he just turned around and said that when the prison was build his accent was and Australian accent. Good man John! They do torch lit tours that I’d like to do but I wouldn’t be brave enough to do one on my own, I’d need someone to throw to the wolves / poltergeist / demons - on my own I’d have no chance, especially if the evil beastie was hungry. Maybe I can convince someone to come back with me…

Apparently the prison is pretty much exactly the same as it was when it was built in the mid 1800’s which I thought was very interesting. John did explain too, that there’s a big distinction between convicts and prisoners - this I did not know! I kind of thought they were all in the one bucket (the ones that can’t run fast enough and therefore get caught), but John said that only the ones that were sent over from England were called convicts - anyone arrested locally was called a prisoner. I did get a little warm glow when I found out that the only escapees who weren’t ever caught were… Irish. Go on the boys in green hehe!

The boat trip on the way back was perfectly normal for 45 minutes of the hour’s journey when suddenly it all got a little surreal. First there were ACTUAL dolphins off the starboard (that’s right apparently) side of the boat. I actually shrieked out loud. Then the captain let me drive the boat (watch out for pics!) and to top it all off, the captain treated us to a rousing chorus of Waltzing Mathilda, followed by, wait for it, a rather grandiose version of “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling”!!!! how weird.

I was so excited by the dolphins that I booked a whale-watching cruise for tomorrow - full report on the way!

Right, well I suppose I better go, I need to do mundane things like drink coffee and read and smoke cigarettes…

Oh! I never did tell you about “The Incident” from this morning did I?? I think I’m just about ready to talk about it…

So, picture the scene: I’ve got out of bed, I’m hungry, I want to sit and eat and drink coffee and not much else. I go into the kitchen, go to MY cubby (well, it’s not like, actually mine per se) and…. GONE!! Everything was GONE! My apple. My stupid *healthy* wheat meal biscuits. MY CHOCOLATE BARS (I got a 12 pack of knock-off kit-kats in Woolworths for like, $1.50). Incited to near-murderous levels I stomped around for a bit, snorting until I realised that *nobody cared*. At that point I realised that I'd need to spring into Miss Marple mode, and I decided to have a quick look in the other cubbies on the off chance that  they’d been moved - you know, you have to be measured and mature about these things. Lo and behold… THERE THEY WERE! Well. I really was relieved, but thought I’d better check the contents before I got too excited. Disaster. Oh my apple was there, and those stupid bloody healthy no fun biscuits. Oh they were there alright. My knock-off kitkats?? GONE.

From what I can deduce the thought process of the knock-off kit-kat thief went as follows: “om nom nom… I’m hungry… let’s see what I can steal… oooh, knock-off kit-kats… that’ll do… but wait, I’d better take only the knock-off kit-kats out of the bag, leave the outer back, and all the other stuff… ooh, now I feel guilty… I know what will make me feel better… I’ll just hide everything else somewhere totally different… there… gone… om nom nom.

I want to know: WHY the bloody hell did you not just throw the empty knock-off kit-kat outer wrapper in the bin but LEAVE the *boring* stuff where it was?? WHY did you mooooove it???? Did you think I wouldn't notice that you'd shamelessly made off with my knock-off kit-kats if you left the outer wrapper???? I hope you get bitten on the arse by a crocodile you big dirty knock-off kit-kat thief.

All I can say is he / she is very very luck indeed that I’m not hormonal right now. Carnage… that’s all I can say….

Anyway, I’m feeling much better about the whole thing than I was this morning. I know that I’m going to need time to heal, and to grieve for my knock-off kit-kats but I think time is a great healer. I guess the moral of the story is “trust nobody with your knock-off kit-kats”. Now that’s a mantra I can really get behind.

So that’s it from me for the moment. I love you and miss you, please send me all the news!

Your Daughter (the one who ran away)